Craigslist Sales Pitch of the Year

June 11th, 2015 No comments

You need something sold? Get this guy!

From the Raleigh edition of Craigslist:

One of a Kind Riding Mower 30″ 11HP – $500 (Smithfield Goldsboro)

 

condition: like new
make / manufacturer: Craftsman
model name / number: Dream Maker
size / dimensions: 30″ 11HP

 For sale: one early 80’s Craftsman riding lawn mower with an 11 horse power engine and 30″ mowing deck. Bottom line, this beast is a sick ride! In fact, I’d even say it’s the El Camino of yard whips. Just take a look at those sweet ass rims. So dope they look rented. #arethosedubs?

Wait, is that a chicken in the background? Damn straight! Because the Craftsman riding lawn mower was considered the barnyard pimp of its day. Get yer yerrd on, fool!

Is it fast? Ever heard of old school 3 on the tree? Well, this whip’s got 8 on the hip. That’s right, 8 screamin’ gears of merciless speed! Need to mow that $h!t Richard petty style? No problem. Snappin’ necks and mowin’ decks, homie…

Just look at this beast. It even has the original factory pin striping. This NASCAR style speed demon will look quick just sitting in your driveway. Neighbors be like “SMH with envy.” Don’t dare put this baby in the shed. She deserves the garage. #nooneputsbabyinthecorner

Does it run, you ask? HELLS YEAH! Like a pack of Kenyans on crystal meth! This bad boy just got a carburetor rebuild, new seals all the way around and a brand new battery installed. Turns over quicker than your prom date. And you don’t even need to buy it wine coolers.

Don’t get me started on the mowing deck! 30 full inches of precision slicin’ and dicin’. Cuts better than Edward Scissor Hands and Lorena Bobbit in a knife fight. And this blade runner has 8 cutting heights! Go full Brazilian with a 1 inch cut, or bring your field of dreams up to 8 inches, 1970’s style; your choice. All I’m sayin’ is this mo-fo fades a lawn better than a set of hair clippers at Fantastic Sams. Whaaaa?

But can I mow with it at night, you ask? Who hasn’t awoken at O’dark:30 to mow their lawn black ops style? No problem with this night rider. It has a fully functioning head light, Michael. #Getyerdarkon

Pretty sure this man-ride is the luxury model. It’s equipped with a plush pleather spring ride seat for those Brokeback yards, 10 inch Kung Fu grip steering wheel and rubberized foot pads. Ain’t no footloose goin’ on up in here. Safety first, homies!

You: So how much is this Kentucky bluegrass love machine?
Me: Just $500.°°.
You: Wait, what?
Me: That’s right, you heard me, only $500 greenbacks.
The world: How is that possible?
Me: my family and I have enjoyed using this cutting-deck of dope-ness since it’s immaculate inception back in the 80’s. Can you say one owner? Yup!

It’s time this black pearl set sail and find another crew to roll with. It’s faded many lawns in its day and is looking for the greener grass on your side of the fence.

Don’t wait to call or you’ll be tellin’ stories about the one that got away for the rest of your life, or call me now and become the lawn jockey you always dreamed to be.

No texts, please. I need to hear your voice and know that this family pet is going to a 100% full blooded american. #Merica

Call Chris at (330) 949-xxx

I’m sure that lawn mower isn’t worth more than a $100, but the sales pitch – sold!

Categories: Funny Tags:

Protest Planned at Philadelphia Gun Dealer

April 23rd, 2015 No comments

nra-ila

I received an email earlier today from the NRA-ILA, and figured I’d share. Apparently this Saturday a protest demonstration is planned by a bunch of commie dirty hippies down at Firing Line Inc; a local Philadelphia gun dealer.

A demonstration has been scheduled by several anti-gun groups to protest one of the prominent gun dealers in Philadelphia, Firing Line Inc., on Saturday, April 25, at 10:00 am in front of the business. Tactics like these have been used in the past by groups to tarnish successful firearm businesses in the area.

Please plan to attend and show your support for Firing Line Inc. Don’t forget to bring an American flag with you.

Firing Line is located in south Philly at: 1532 S. Front Street, Philadelphia, PA 19147

The anti-gun groups obviously want to make a ruckus and cause a disruption in business there, so why not help cause just the opposite? If you’re local or in the area, stop by and buy a gun and some ammo, or a new holster.

Categories: Guns Tags: , , ,

Hillary’s got competition

April 13th, 2015 No comments

Now that Hillary is officially running for President of the United States, she’s got some serious competition, what with Democrat Candidate Vermin Supreme, of Manchester, New Hampshire in the game.

I mean seriously, he’s got a long fisherman’s boot for a hat, sporting the wizard look, has a catchy jingle and magic sprinkle dust… What more could you ask for? Based on the intellect of your average Democrat voter, he’s clearly a shoe-in. (Or boot-in? heh.)

Good Luck, Bibi!

March 17th, 2015 No comments

Today is Elections Day in Israel, and apparently it’s going to be a relatively close one.  Even though our elected leadership in the US has such a disdain for Benjamin Netanyahu and Israel itself, the Smite family here are pulling for him. Good luck, Bibi!
Nut and Yahoo

Categories: Politics Tags: ,

Remember the Alamo!

March 6th, 2015 No comments

Alamo

Categories: History Tags: ,

Hippie Smiting: The Next Generation

January 17th, 2015 3 comments

Minion Smite

My little minion has arrived! On the night of January 13th, 2015, Riley Grace was born into the world.  Right after she came out and was placed on the “Panda Warmer” in our room, they nurses were cleaning her off and she had a soft but cute cry going. I went over to her with the biggest smile on my face and talked to her… she turned to me opening up her eyes wide, stopped crying and just stared at me. It was love at first sight for daddy right then and there.

Since then, she has always responded well to my voice, whenever she’s been upset. My voice seems to be the thing that soothes the savage beast hehe. I suppose it must come from how much I talked to her while she was in the womb.
I have a feeling she’s going to be daddy’s little girl, and my little buddy that comes with me everywhere!

I’ve know been rather absent from blogging for sometime, and a lot of it has had to do with preparation for this little one. Much of my time as been taking care of the little missus and renovating a room in the house to become a nursery. (that room is now actually the nicest looking in the house hehe).

I have had a ton of posts I wanted to write, and many that were drafted but never finalized. I’m not promising this will change anytime soon, as I haven’t had a whole lot of sleep this past week, and I don’t foresee that changing anytime soon either hehe, but we’ll see I suppose.

Oh and thanks to my blogger (and in real-life) friend Wyatt Earp for the well-wishes to hippie smiting clan!

IMG_0202

Categories: Raves, Site News Tags: ,

Quadruple Amputee “On the Run”

November 7th, 2014 2 comments

Police in Florida are looking for a quadruple amputee, potentially armed with a gun, wanted as a person of interest in connection with the death of his parents.

Sean_Petrozzino

I came across this from Fox News while scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed, and before I read the article further, I was like “wait. what? how is this even possible??”

Then I saw the peanut gallery of comments on Facebook, and that’s when it went from just odd to down-right hilarious!

“Police stumped.”

“I got to HAND it to him, he already has a LEG up on the authorities.”

“On the run? I think not!”

“He doesn’t have a leg to stand on.”

And the list goes on!

Of course, “We are all going straight to hell” as one other commented, but at least we’ll have company.

Dat ain’t my gat

October 5th, 2014 No comments

From TruthRevolt:

Rapper “Too Short” just dodged a bullet.

The Los Angeles Times reports that the rapper (born Anthony Shaw), was at Burbank Airport in Los Angeles on Thursday and as his bag went onto the conveyor belt he realized he had a loaded gun inside.  Without hesitating, he left the airport.

The problem was his wallet and shoes were also on the conveyor belt.

Calling his lawyer and asking for guidance, Keith Davidson told Too Short not to worry and he would take care of it.  According to the LA Times, Davidson convinced authorities to ticket Shaw for misdemeanor possession of a loaded firearm and forgo the arrest after lawyer and client came back to the airport.

Special celebrity treatment has no boundaries.

No boundaries indeed. Misdemeanor possession of a loaded firearm? What, no felony unlicensed concealed-carry charges?

I suppose he’s lucky he’s not a single mother of two crossing into New Jersey. Of course, being a “celebrity” as Mr. Too Short is, he’d just get off with a slap on the wrist.

Categories: Guns, Rants Tags: , ,

Pardon The Mess

September 12th, 2014 No comments

Pardon the mess on the site, from some broken or redundant links to about pages, to text/picture formatting in posts.  I’m experimenting with WordPress themes and still playing (and trying to figure out) the underlying back-end code to them.

Categories: Site News Tags:

R.I.P. Richard “Jaws” Kiel

September 12th, 2014 No comments

Richard-Kiel

Richard Kiel died this week, just a few days shy of his 75th birthday.   He’s had an extensive career since the 1960s, but probably best known to most (including me) for playing “Jaws” in a couple of James Bond movies.  He was definitely one of my favorite characters in the Bond series, and I also fondly remember as a kid, watching him as the Mitsubishi team driver in Cannonball Run II.



Categories: Misc Tags: , , ,