NAME____________________

GANG/CREW NAME______________

CRIB_________________

1. Lajames has an AK-47 with a 200-round clip. He usually misses 6 of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive- by shootin. How many mofos can Lajames ice on a drive- by before he gotta reload?

2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his shit?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho’s. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne’s $800 per day Crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20% upside?

5. Ray-Ray gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette, and $1000 for a 4 x 4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4×4′s, how many more Corvettes must he steal to make the 10k for his brother’s bail?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per mo nth, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz. Cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his gang. What be the percentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up?

9. Lafawnda is a lookout for the gang. Lafawnda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week and a cost of $5 per rat. If Lafawnda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week’s income?

10. Marvin steals Juan’s skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum piece. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth”.

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, “We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.

Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don’t like cutting wages but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.”

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as “There are no virgins in their areas anyway”.

Another reason for the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle – now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like that they are not so keen on going to Paradise.

EDIT: added bonus I found for Wyatt…

“TROOPS”, Star Wars Cops.

The implant is specifically designed to be installed in the forehead.

When properly installed, it will allow the one implanted to speak to God.

It comes in various sizes:

The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled technician.

The implant may or may not be painless. Side effects, like headaches and nausea, are temporary. Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.

Please enjoy the security we provide for you.
Best regards,

U.S. Military

In Missouri, It is Illegal To Drive With An Uncaged Bear (Caged Bears Are OK)

In Maine, It’s Illegal To Have Christmas Decorations Up After Jan. 14

In New Jersey, It is Illegal To Wear A Bulletproof Vest While Committing A Murder

In Nevada, It Is Illegal For A Man To Buy Drinks For More Than Three People At A Time

In Wisconsin, It Is Illegal To Serve Butter Substitues In State Prisons

In New Jersey, Once Convicted Of Drunk Driving You May Never Again Have Personalized Plates

In North Dakota, Beer And Pretzels Cannot Be Served At The Same Time In Any Bar Or Restaurant

In Alaska, Waking A Sleeping Bear For A Photo Opportunity Is Strictly Forbidden

In Connecticut, A Pickle Is Not Officially A Pickle Unless It Bounces

In South Carolina, You Must Be 18 Years Of Age To Play A Pinball Machine

In Michigan, Anyone Over Age 12 May Own A Hand Gun As Long As He/She Has Not Committed A Felony

In Idaho, It Is Illegal For A Man To Give His Sweetheart A Box Of Candy Weighing More Than 50 lbs

In North Carolina, Bingo Games Can’t Last More Than Five Hours

In Connecticut, It’s Illegal To Walk Across A Street On Your Hands

In Louisiana, There Is A $500 Fine For Instructing A Pizza Delivery Man To Deliver Pizza To A Friend Unknowingly

In Ohio, It Is Illegal To Get A Fish Drunk

In Arizona, It’s Illegal To Own More Than 2 Dildos

FINALLY,

HERE IT IS.

THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION WE HAVE ALL BEEN HEARING AND ASKING FOR SO MANY YEARS!

AND THE ANSWER IS: YES!

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.  “One Marine is better than ten Taliban”. The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune where upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out “One Marine is better than a hundred Taliban soldiers”. Furious, the Taliban
commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of  battle, again silence.

The Marine voice calls out, “One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban”. The enraged Taliban commander musters a thousand fighters and sends them over the dune. Cannon, rocket, and machine gun fire rings out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,  “Don’t send any more men, it’s a trap. There’s two of  them”.

CHILI..  WARNING: ONLY Read This WHEN You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented ‘you’re definitely going to shit yourself’ road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.  No ‘Watson’s Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as ‘thunder and lightning’.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the men’s room that the pain hit me.

Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about.  I’m referring to that ‘Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go’ pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red apron-ed clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.  Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate.  I could have warned that poor clerk, but didn’t.  I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. …….BIG mistake!!!!!

Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things ‘clamped down’, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. ‘It’ was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand explosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the can, began the inevitable ‘Oh my God’, floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of ‘Shock and Awe’..He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ‘Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?’, then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, ‘Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.  It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.’

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted,
‘IT’S YOU!’, then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe’s. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they’re going to have to repaint the store.

h/t – Mom.