Smite A. Hippie

There once was liberal named Weiner, Who had a perverted demeanor ~
Forced from the Hill For acting like Bill, Now Congress is one Weiner leaner

Dear President Obama:

I am writing today with a somewhat unusual request.
First and foremost, I am asking that you return America to its
August 20th, 1959 borders, so that Hawaii is no longer a state
and you are no longer a citizen.

Sincerely,
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu

In the spirit of the start of Hanukkah and Christmas coming upon us, I present you with a holiday funny…

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat’s milk.
The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
”This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.”
”Yes, I remember him as a baby” says the other mother cheerfully.
“He’s a martyr now though” the mother confides.
“Oh, so sad dear” says the other.
”And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.”
”Oh, I remember him,” says the other happily,
”he had such curly hair when he was born.”
”He’s a martyr too” says the mother quietly.
”Oh, gracious me . . . ” says the other.
”And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would have been 18”, she whispers.
“Yes” says the friend enthusiastically,
”I remember when he first started school”
”He’s a martyr also,” says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says….

Wait for it…

“They blow up so fast, don’t they?”

heh.

Yeah, I did it. I went there.  I made a clearly bigoted joke… aimed at a false religion (manufactured by a pedophile in 5th century). heh.

So by all means, send your hate mail, or designated jihadi to visit me… my dog, vast bacon supply, and small army’s arsenal await.. ready to welcome you with open “arms”. heh.

Schools in Detroit are finally starting to teach practical math that these kids can use in real-world situations!

NAME____________________

GANG/CREW NAME______________

CRIB_________________

1. Lajames has an AK-47 with a 200-round clip. He usually misses 6 of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive- by shootin. How many mofos can Lajames ice on a drive- by before he gotta reload?

2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his shit?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho’s. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne’s $800 per day Crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20% upside?

5. Ray-Ray gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette, and $1000 for a 4 x 4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4×4′s, how many more Corvettes must he steal to make the 10k for his brother’s bail?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per mo nth, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz. Cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his gang. What be the percentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up?

9. Lafawnda is a lookout for the gang. Lafawnda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week and a cost of $5 per rat. If Lafawnda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week’s income?

10. Marvin steals Juan’s skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum piece. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth”.

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, “We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.

Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don’t like cutting wages but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.”

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as “There are no virgins in their areas anyway”.

Another reason for the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle – now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like that they are not so keen on going to Paradise.

Democrat Joke: knock, knock Who’s there? Illegal alien. Ah, come on in, we need your vote.

Barrack Obama was touring the countryside in his chauffeur-driven limo.   Suddenly, a male donkey jumps out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Obama says to the chauffeur: ‘You get out and check, you were driving.’

Hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

‘My god man, what happened to you?’ asks Obama.

‘I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them, I’m Barrack Obama’s chauffeur and I’ve just killed the jackass.’

Romney at CPAC: “In case you didn’t hear the late-breaking news, the gold medal in the downhill was taken away from American Lindsey Vonn. It was determined that President Obama is going downhill faster than she is.”

got this one from a friend… what ever side you fall on, c’mon laugh.. it’s just a joke…

“I don’t know about you, but I don’t remember these snow problems when Bush was in office…”

As I’ll be out of town and likely won’t be blogging on Christmas, here’s an early start to Friday Funnies…

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.  “One Marine is better than ten Taliban”. The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune where upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out “One Marine is better than a hundred Taliban soldiers”. Furious, the Taliban
commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of  battle, again silence.

The Marine voice calls out, “One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban”. The enraged Taliban commander musters a thousand fighters and sends them over the dune. Cannon, rocket, and machine gun fire rings out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,  “Don’t send any more men, it’s a trap. There’s two of  them”.